Last night I did everything right. I prepped snack time for Little S’s preschool. I got the kids clothes out to be ready as soon as they got up. I had my gym clothes out ready to go and packed my bag with my clothes to change into after the gym. The packages I needed to drop off were at the door ready to go. I had bananas out and at the ready for breakfast. All I needed to do this morning was get up, get myself and the kids dressed, nuke some pancakes in the microwave and be out the door by 7:45 so we could be at the gym by 8 so I could get my workout in and drop off the boxes before preschool.
Then 7 AM rolled around this morning and Little S wasn’t having it.
He asked for his “mission” of the day; get dressed, pancakes, brush teeth, gym, then preschool for his Easter pageant and then home. The tears started flowing. Absolute devestation. Getting dressed is the worst. Blue jeans aren’t my favorite. I don’t want to wear a tie. I don’t like those socks. Pancakes are too hot. These pancakes are too cold. Why did you break my banana in half? Life as a three year old has some seriously heartbreaking issues.
And Rae, dear, sweet Rae is cutting some teeth. Which leads to non stop hold-me-mommy-the-world-is-ending level drama on top of her usual antics of crying over exactly which pair of leggings she’ll wear and her juice cup being too heavy for her to drink out of. I wish I was exaggerating.
Today was just a day. It seemed like at every hour of the day there was a new thing to get irritated about. Rae cried about having milk in her cup instead of water. Little S stomped his pancakes into the backseat of the car. I forgot to drop the packages I needed to send before preschool. Rae “just can’t” walk into church by herself. To Little S, the amplifier on the stage was way more interesting than participating in the Easter pageant.
I don’t know why, but today just felt off.
Maybe I set too high of expectations. Maybe I thought my children would be over come in the middle of the night with a burning desire to do exactly what I had envisioned for my children. Maybe I would wake up to 100% compliance from my children, doing exactly what I think they need to do in the exact moment I think it. Maybe I thought I would make it past 8:15 AM with out needing to lock myself in the bathroom and shove 5 Ghiradelli squares in my mouth, barely taking time to take off the wrapper. Maybe I thought Little S would change his mind about taking pictures and actually smile AT THE CAMERA for one picture so I could post it and talk about how much he loves participating in school pageants and he’s just the best.
But that didn’t happen and it irked me more than it should have.
The kids are napping now.
It’s quiet and the floors are still covered with their tiny (adorably painted, if I say so myself) shoes. The counters are sticky and the sink is full of dishes. There is laundry to do and I still haven’t had lunch yet.
I pulled out my phone and went to read a devotion and read exactly what I needed to read today. Don’t Miss the Glory.
The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the works of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge. Psalm 19:1-2
I woke up to a wet bed from Rae pulling off her diaper from being frustrated with how soaked she was. Little S didn’t sing every word, or do every movement of the song in a perfectly choreographed routine. I didn’t get out the door early enough for all my errands and arrived to preschool drop off completely disheveled.
But the bed was soaked because Rae’s feeding pump was flowing all night, keeping her healthy. Little S didn’t sing every song, but the one he did sing was the most important of all. And yeah, I was a hot mess, but at least I remembered deodorant this time.
I’m not a picture perfect mom. My days are filled with tantrums (by all parties) and frustration and I probably should vacuum more often. I often feel inadequate and insecure and worried about if I’m doing enough to raise my kids right. Today I yelled and was irritated with the non stop nonsense that comes from kids being kids and I forgot to take a step back. God hand picked me to be Little S and Rae’s mom. All the things I think are a big deal, really aren’t. So while I was driving home from a long morning, Little S says “Mommy, can we snuggle and read my Jesus book when we get home?” like he completely forgot that I had just had a minor (major) meltdown in my sanity just 15 minutes before.
So here I am, writing this on my phone’s keyboard, snuggled next to Little S while he naps. I’m soaking in the glory of the quietness and stillness of this moment, even if it won’t last. Because, those works of God’s hands, that applies to my children even on these days, and it applies to me too. And I’m just going to lay here, snuggled with Little S until that soaks in enough.