Rae is.

It was Saturday, almost past 11 PM.

Rae did that thing she always does.

She laid her head down on my chest for just a moment, before abruptly jolting up and stared at me.
She just stares and I wonder what she’s thinking.
She’s probably thinking that I’m a sucker for letting her stay up so late (I kind of am).
She laid down again and wrapped her fingers with mine for just a minute before deciding she wants to poke my eyes instead.
“Love you, mama” she says.
That’s her new thing, just randomly telling me she loves me.
It’s kind of the best.
Despite everything she’s gone through in the past 14 months, she’s still just a pretty normal toddler.
And sometimes I even forget that (that’s kind of the point of this post, to remind myself). Through what feels like, rushing from appointment to appointment and therapy after therapy. Through spending afternoons on the phone scheduling and confirming appointments and checking up on lab work and opening bill after bill. Through checking on a beeping feeding pump and bags of formula in the middle of the night it can feel like she’s a patient even at home.
She is anything but.
She laughs.
She is smart.
She’s messy.
She loves so deeply.
She’s feisty.
She is tough.
She yells.
She’s funny.
She thinks she’s a princess.
She’s lovely.
She cries.
She snuggles.
She’s beautiful.
She’s one of my most favorite people in the world (Right behind Jesus and tied with Little and Big S).

Sometimes (okay, a lot of times) I worry about her. I fear her body failing her, if not now, then in the years to come. I can see the bad days where she cries, pointing to her legs saying “It hurts. It hurts!” I get overwhelmed with yet another infection she has to fight. I rehash in my mind what all she’s going to go through in the next few months. I sink into my husbands arms at the end of the day, feeling defeated once again, and questioning “WHY RAE?”. And I worry that I’m not the one equipped to raise her.
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has given me what I asked of him.” 1 Samuel 1:27
I know God doesn’t make mistakes.
He gave me Rae and everything she’s going through for a reason.
Even if the only reason was to make me rely on Him more (which, trust me, I am more than I ever have in my entire life).
All the beautiful things that make Rae, Rae are going to continue to make me enjoy her more everyday.
Yes, Rae is complicated.
Rae is exhausting sometimes.
Rae is sassy.
Rae is a TERRIBLE sleeper.

But above all, Rae is a gift from God.
And I wouldn’t change her for the world.
(I mean, except maybe the sleep thing. A few extra hours wouldn’t hurt.)
“He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing…” Zephaniah 3:17
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