I was talking to a friend of mine lately, describing my day and all the chaos it entails and she said “I can’t wait to do all that, and be all motherly!”
I can think of many words to describe myself, but “motherly” just sounds so…unnatural. Like what exactly does being “motherly” entail? Talking about poop and my love handles while nursing a baby? Because if so, then I’m nailing it.
I read this article the other day about how we’re making parenting harder than it has to be. I read it and I thought man, I don’t even care about any of that stuff. But apparently they do. So here I am, to share about my secrets to make you feel better if you were one of those moms trying to make it harder than it has to be:
I shamelessly feed Little S goldfish. And no, they’re not organic. GASP. I’m sorry, but Little S will literally eat 8 things- goldfish, chicken nuggets, noodles, certain fruits (only if they’re the correct size and shape, if not, forget about it), cheese sticks, yogurt, peanut butter, and lollipops (and/or anything that has more than 2 cups of sugar in it). And all those people who say “Just keep giving him vegetables/organic! He’ll eat it eventually!” FALSE. Do you know how much money I’ve wasted on half-chewed-vegetables-while-Little S-is-sobbing-uncontrollably? Too much. So whatever. He has terrible eating habits. He’s 2. I also have terrible eating habits, and I’m 22 and I look FANTASTIC.
Whenever Little S sees a cat or dog he HAS to pet it. He pets it and says “Awwwww. Sweet! Awwww. Cute!”. Last week I was wearing shorts, Little S rubbed up against my leg and then started petting me saying “AWWW! So cute, mommy!” Yep, guess it’s time to shave my legs again.
I don’t waste nap time. When I say that, I mean, I don’t do things like “dishes” and “laundry” during nap time. I do things like watch E! network and dip Oreos in chocolate icing. Then like, 25 minutes before Big S gets home I run around like crazy trying to tidy up the house so it looks like I was productive. I’m like “I did half a load of laundry, glanced at the dishes, AND fed the children today. WHAT’S UP, MOM OF THE YEAR RIGHT HERE.”
When I see other kids having meltdowns I smile sympathetically to the mom of that child. But I always grin when they look away and think “HA! It’s not just my kids!”. It’s terrible, but it gives me such a huge amount of joy to know that I didn’t completely screw up my kids, and that other peoples kids have tantrums too. I hope if you run into me at the store and Little S is screaming like a banshee, you think “Oh good, that kid is normal.” (You probably don’t.)
I always double or triple my meals when I cook so I can freeze the leftovers and just pop something in the microwave when we’ve had a crazy day. Sometimes I’ll put some pots and pans in the sink so it looks like I’ve slaved over a dinner for an hour to Big S when really all I did was microwave it for ten minutes. Sue me.
I totally fake-sleep on Saturday mornings. If I’m “sleeping” Big S will always get up and take the kids to get Starbucks for us. So I catch up on my shows and read celebrity gossip and sometimes I even shower for 7 whole minutes. It’s AMAZING.
I have a secret chocolate stash. Not even Big S knows where it is, it’s ALL mine. I break into it at least 2-3 times a week when Little S or Rae are being crazypants. And even if Little S sees it, I don’t share. I’m sorry, but he eats 80% of my food. If I have to put up with his crazy, he can’t have my chocolate.
If one of the kids poops within 5 minutes of Big S getting home from work, I totally “save” it for him. Big S will come home and I’ll be like “HEYIMISSEDYOUILOVEYOUSOMUCHRAELYNPOOPEDIMLEAVINGNOWBYE!” and run up to our room and hide.
I cloth diaper and breastfeed and carry Rae around in the Ergo. Apparently that makes me a “crunchy” mom, but really, I do it because I’m cheap and lazy. Every time we use disposable diapers I’m like, GREAT LITTLE S JUST PEED ON 50 CENTS. And it’s so much easier to strap Rae into a baby carrier than to lug out my stroller. Getting up in the middle of the night and making a bottle just seems so annoying. You call it crunchy, I call it lazy.
I totally bribe my kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m the mom and Little S is “SUPPOSED” to just listen to me at all times and be the perfect little 2 year old and be so well behaved at the store and blah blah. Not even. I bring lollipops everywhere. Lollipops at the grocery store! Lollipops at the post office! Lollipops at Target! Lollipops in the car! Lollipops everywhere! It keeps him quiet (sometimes) and it keeps me sane.
My last secret? I’m pretty proud of myself. Even for everything that I do that seems “wrong”. My kids are happy and healthy and we learn and grow from our choices every day. I’m proud of Big S as a father and as a husband. I’m proud of Little S for slowly learning to communicate instead of screaming 24/7. I’m even proud of Rae for trying to keep up with Little S. And I’m proud of myself. This whole journey of motherhood isn’t easy.
But it’s wonderful.