So, apparently I’m having this baby soon. I mean, initially I thought Baby B was planning on making me stay pregnant until she’s 6 or 7. But now I’ve come to the realization that in about a week and a half I’m going to have CHILDREN.
Not a child.
Right now, just having Little S, it’s like alright cool. I have a kid. But when Baby B is born everything becomes me and “the kids.” Not me and my-sweet-little-boy-with-destruction-based-tendencies. It’s going to be me, my-sweet-little-boy-with-destruction-based-tendencies, ANNNNNDDDDDD a inevitably screaming newborn baby girl.
I think at one point Big S and I thought this was a good idea, but I’m really starting to question our decision making strategies.
Although the idea of having 2 tiny children depending on me is pretty much the most terrifying thing I can imagine, I still find myself looking to Dr. Google about Natural Ways to Induce Labor. I’m pretty confident that whoever writes these lists is just trolling every impatient mother with horrible backaches and swollen feet, because about 90% of the things they “recommend” are Grade A Bologna.
1. Dance the baby out. Have you ever seen a pregnant woman dance? Actually, have you ever seen me dance NOT pregnant? It’s like the most horrifying thing in the world. Is the mentality here to try to embarrass your child out of the womb? Because if that’s a thing, I guess I could try that.
2. Walking. Supposedly gravity is supposed to help you guide the baby into your pelvis. But um, Baby B has been sitting in between my hips quite comfortably since about 32 weeks. And I walk pretty much everyday. AT LEAST 76 times to and from my couch to the fridge. So I remain unconvinced.
3. Sex. Ah, nothing to get you in the mood like swollen feet, extreme backache, an extra 30 pounds of belly on you, and heartburn like you just drank a gallon of gasoline. Yes, sex is always on the 37-weeks-pregnant woman’s mind (This is where I do another over-the-top eye roll.)
4. Pineapple. Apparently there’s some chemical in pineapples that can stimulate contractions. HOWEVER, it is said that you have to eat an OBSCENE amount of pineapples for it to work. Like 7 whole pineapples. Um, I’m 9 months pregnant. I’m not wasting the limited stomach capacity I have on fruit. No sir. If I’m going to eat 7 of something, it’s going to be 7 slices of chocolate cake. Not pineapple.
5. Start your morning with shooting a pistol into the air and yell “Ready! Set! GO!”. This is said to make the baby be born almost instantly. I’m not even going to argue with the logic on this one. Definitely spot on labor induction technique. It’s science.
6. Labor Cookies. Sold. Anything that involves cookies, cake, or ice cream at this point gets my vote of approval. It’s my last days of pigging out before it’s back to running and attempting to look halfway decent again (Is that even possible with 2 kids?). The recipe is here. I may be trying to make some of these next week.
7. Curb Walking. Not to be confused with curb stomping. Huge difference. But you’ll be sure to look super sexy if you enhance your pregnant waddle with a little curb walking, one foot on the curb and one foot on the street and walk. It’s absolutely adorable and not stupid looking at all.
8. Galloping. This is another super sexy one. That’s right preggos, gallop like a horse. There wasn’t even any logic listed underneath this tip. I’m pretty sure someone is just getting a kick out of seeing a hugely pregnant woman make a fool of herself. Obviously someone thought this was a good idea. Good enough to make a video of themselves doing it. ANDDDD put it on the internet so that you can all laugh at her.
9. Crab walking up and down stairs. If you seriously have the strength or balance to do this at 9 months pregnant you are clearly not human. I’m lucky if I can get out of bed in the morning without hearing my hips pop in and out of place. And I’m expected to CRAB WALK up and down stairs?! No. Just no.
10. Rent a sad movie and cry/watch a funny movie and pee your pants. Bro, I cry at folding Little S and Baby B’s laundry these days. Crying is not doing anything but making me look even more like an emotional mess. And watching a funny movie and peeing my pants doesn’t really sound all that fun. I wonder if the peeing part is a requirement or if you can just watch the movie? Who did the research for this? “Okay, you peed your pants? You can have your baby now.” Thanks Dr. Spaceman (if you don’t get that reference you’re not allowed to read my blog anymore.)
Any guesses to when this baby is coming? Or how to get this baby out? First person to give me an acceptable suggestion that actually works I will name Baby B after you. But only if your name is Raelyn.