The other day, I was eating my 8 PM snack, per usual, feeling kind of guilty. They say (not quite sure who “they” are, so I don’t know why I’ve given them so much credit anyway) that anything you eat after 7 PM goes directly to your gut. Then I remembered, I’m pregnant, pretty much everything I’m eating at this point is going directly to my gut anyway. So then I ate 2 chocolate cheesecakes. Then I wrote the Ten Commandments of Pregnancy. These are the 10 things you’re 100% entitled to without feeling guilty for those short 9 months you’re growing a person. So if you’re pregnant, got someone pregnant, know someone whose pregnant, or even intend on becoming pregnant, you better be aware of these.
10) Thou shall wear sweatpants/leggings as pants without shame. Maternity pants are great and all, but nothing is more comfortable during pregnancy than sweatpants. Other than not being pregnant. Not being pregnant probably the most comfortable you could be, but since you’re already knocked up, embrace it and break out those sweatpants as soon as you get home. Or in public. Just throw your hair up and act out of breath so people think you just got back from the gym. Then not only will you be comfy, but people will be like, “Geez, that preggo is working out still?” and realize you’re awesome. Even in sweatpants. Or leggings. I’m all about leggings as pants. Leggings are like pants, but 10x more comfy. I won’t be shamed by all the people who claim leggings aren’t pants. You know what else isn’t pants? Underwear. But for some reason Big S thinks this is appropriate to walk around in at home. So I think I should be able to wear leggings as pants. That’s a solid argument right?
9) Thou shall not feel bad flushing the toilet when getting up to pee for the 13th time that night. Before I got pregnant and Big S was still staying up late playing video games, he’d come in the bathroom and refuse to flush after I yelled at him too many times about waking me up. But when you’re pregnant, and you’re getting up every 3 hours to pee, you can bet your sweet butt I’m going to flush. Every time. Just so that even if he doesn’t fully wake up, he knows I’m up. And it’s his fault I’m waking up every 90 minutes, waddling my way to the bathroom. AGAIN. Because apparently, Baby B thinks the most comfortable place to lay at night is directly on my bladder.
8) Thou shall blame your husband for every awful part of pregnancy. Yes, I know, we both wanted to get pregnant. Yet, those first, oh, 20 weeks for me were pure hell. And every time I’d feel a wave of nausea or heartburn I’d glare a hole into Big S’s head. But at the same time, every time Baby B kicks I look at Big S and say, “Wow, I did this. I’m growing this tiny baby WITH MY BODY.”
And Big S is like, “…And I helped…”
and I’m like “Yeah, yeah sure. But I’M AMAZING.”
7) Thou shall not be criticized for not working out/working out. It’s weird, last pregnancy, I completely stopped working out the moment I found out I was pregnant. I figured, well, I’m getting fat anyway. And if I’m getting fat, I’m going to get REALLY FAT. And I did. And all through my pregnancy I would have little remarks from people about how active I was pre-pregnancy. Then this time, I decided to keep up with my running and my exercise and now I get little remarks like:
“Are you sure you should still be running?”
“Aren’t you over doing it?”
“You don’t want anything to happen to Baby B do you?”
Seriously? OBVIOUSLY I don’t want anything to happen to Baby B, and everyone who says this stuff is NOT a doctor. However, my OB who IS a doctor has encouraged me to continue my running and exercise routine. But if you choose not to work out, you should have that right too. Growing a tiny human with your body is enough of a work out, if you ask me.
6) Thou shall receive back massages as needed. I took a 6 hour CPR/First Aid class a few months ago, which basically qualifies as a medical doctor. I even learned how to do brain surgery (No I didn’t.). But as a CPR/First Aid certified person, I can tell you that it is 100% medically necessary for a pregnant woman to have back/foot massages every time they ask. If not, the baby will hate whoever denies the pregnant woman a massage for the rest of their life. Also, the pregnant woman will probably hate them too.
5) Thou shall have witty comments on hand in case of rude comments. Usually, it’s rude to comment on some one’s weight, body shape or ask them anything about their body. But for some reason pregnancy makes people think that rule no longer applies. When I was pregnant with Little S I heard for about the last 3 months, “WOW! You’re about to pop!”. What I really wanted to say was “Yeah, pop you in the face. With a hammer.” Or “Are you SURE it’s not twins?!” “No, but thank you for insinuating that I’m fatter than most pregnant woman. That’s super helpful for my already fragile self esteem.”. And let’s not even get into when someone randomly touches your belly. I like to grab their butt in response. Usually they give me a horrified look, and I say “Oh, you don’t like someone violating your personal space either? We have so much in common!”
4) Thou shall embrace the hormonal tendencies that come with pregnancy. I’m pretty dramatic when I’m not pregnant. So when I’ve got about 687 times more hormones running through my body, I’m pretty much always on the verge of tears. Big S can say, “Hey babe, would you rather I pick up pizza or Panera for dinner?” and my response is “WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT!? You’re so insensitive!” and start sobbing like someone told me they canceled Parks and Recreation. Pregnancy makes you a little crazy, but a lot more entitled, so embrace those sob fests. They’re good for your soul. Plus, I can almost guarantee your husband will also pick up some flowers and chocolates for you after that incredible performance.
3) Thou shall eat what you want. This one is my favorite. And I pull it out almost everyday. I’m like, “Hey, I’m pregnant. I can eat 3 pounds of fudge for breakfast.” Or when someone asks “Do you want dessert?” you can say “OBVIOUSLY” and point to your belly without judgement. Indulging in all the awesome-ness that usually you’d feel guilty for is the absolute best part of pregnancy. If someone tries to give me a hard time for eating something, I just tell them that it was upon Baby B’s request and they usually give me a sympathetic head nod and bring me 14 plates of carrot cake. Because that’s how pregnancy works. I’m surprised Little S was only 6 pounds, 8 ounces. He was mainly nourished by toaster strudels and truffles. You’d think he would have been as chunky as I was.
2) Thou shall be entitled to being scared about labor/laboring how you want to. When I first found out I was pregnant with Little S, my first thought was “ELECTIVE C-SECTION! SIGN ME UP! NOW!”. The thought of physically having to GIVE BIRTH was/is absolutely terrifying. But as the weeks went by and I educated myself I figured I’d just elect for the epidural. But apparently, my body had different plans and I ended up having a completely drug free labor that was MUCH quicker than I anticipated (they literally pulled a doctor from the hallway to deliver Little S). And it was no walk in the park, obviously. But it honestly wasn’t THAT bad. And now I’m pregnant again, yet I find myself still worried about the impending labor in a few months. And I think I’m entitled to that. And I know I’m definitely entitled to delivering the way I want to. I’ve had quite a few moms try to push me to go for a second natural delivery this time, but mamas, stand your ground. I’m getting induced this time (if Baby B cooperates and doesn’t come before 39 weeks) so that I have the option for an epidural. If you want an epidural, get it. If you want a c-section, have it. If you want a non-medicated home birth, do it. Ultimately it’s your body, you know it best, and people will try to sway you this way and the other on what’s “right”, but ultimately, it’s whatever will make you more comfortable.
1) Thou shall enjoy every moment. Pregnancy sucks from time to time, there’s no doubting that. What with all the heartburn, nausea, round ligament pain, back pain, swollen feet/face/hands, a belly that runs into everything, ridiculous cravings, and just pure exhaustion (I think I just scared everyone from getting pregnant), it’s hard to see how incredible pregnancy is. But then there are little moments every day that I feel Baby B doing little kicks and flips in my belly. Or Big S will lean down and give my belly a kiss and tell Baby B he loves her and can’t wait to meet her. Or when someone says “You’re absolutely GLOWING!”. Or the times when I can just lay in bed and eat fudge for like an hour straight and no one judges me. These are the times that pregnancy is amazing. Plus, every time you feel that wave of nausea, or your hormones are making you sob at everything, just remember what it’s for, that tiny little baby inside of you that you’re growing makes it all worth it in the end.
If anyone tries to deny your pregnant rights, you tell them I gave you permission. Then they’ll be like “Melissa who?!” and hopefully that will distract them enough for you to eat your 5th piece of cheesecake.