Things They Don’t Tell You About Pregnancy.

Have you ever had a dream about someone you know doing something really awful to you, then you wake up and you’re mad at them for something they did in the thing that YOU dreamed up?
I have.
Last night.
I dreamt that Big S was texting some girl telling her that she was cuter than me.  And that I was gross when I was pregnant.  And then he said he wanted to divorce me, because Baby B was making me fat.
And I cried.
A lot.
Then I woke up and tried not to punch Big S for being so awful to me in my dream.
Then I remembered that he didn’t actually do any of those things.
But I still cried.
Because pregnancy makes me kind of crazy.

There’s so many things they don’t tell you about pregnancy when you first sign up for it.  You’re all like, “Aww yay! I’m going to have a baby in 9 months!”  But they don’t tell you about the sleeplessness, burping, haircuts, and mirrors.  These are all things I think you should know before you get pregnant.

Sleeplessness.  You’d think that growing a baby would make you exhausted all the time.  And that the baby would want you to sleep.  Well you’d be right about the exhaustion.  But very, very wrong about the sleeping all the time.  If I wake up in the middle of the night, that’s it.  I’m up for the day. Even if that means I went to bed at 10 and was woken up at 1:30.  Then you add the nausea to that, and it’s a awful combination.
I usually sleep on my belly.  But when your belly starts sticking out farther and farther, it’s pretty much impossible to sleep comfortably on your stomach.  Or on your back.  Or on your side.  Pretty much, you’re just uncomfortable all the time.  Don’t even bother trying to sleep.

Never Trust a Burp.  Ever.  Even when you think you’re past the nausea.  Or when you think it’s just heartburn.  It probably isn’t.  I actually have mistrusted a burp on multiple occasions, leading to a change of sheets, re-washing the dishes, and emptying the bath water and re-bathing Little S.  I don’t know how I’m STILL having morning sickness.  Or why I’m still trusting burps.  You’d think after the first incident I would be careful.
After that shameful text to Big S…

Me:  Uh, hey. I’m opening our new sheets.
Big S:  Okay…..why?
Me:  I kinda, like, barfed on your pillow…

Because apparently Baby B has it out for her father already.

Don’t Workout Somewhere Where There are Mirrors.  Or look at yourself run through neighbors windows.  You will be thoroughly grossed out and end up running away even faster just to get away from your own reflection.  Every time I feel good about myself running, I’m like “Aw yeah, check me out.  Running at 19 weeks pregnant.  I’m running so fast.  And look so cute while I’m running.  And everyone thinks I’m so awesome.”  Then I check myself out in a car window I’m passing and suddenly I just want to stop and sob.  And apologize to everyone on the road who has had to pass me and watch me run.  And then hide in Little S’s stroller and make him push me, because honestly, my 16 month old pushing a grown pregnant woman in a stroller would probably look less ridiculous than me running at this point.

The Name is the Most Stressful Part.  Do you know how many names we talked about before we decided on Baby B’s name?  I think probably around 200.  Then we’d really like one, tell someone what it was, and they’d say “Oh, my husband’s, sister’s, niece’s boyfriend’s dog has a sister who has that name.  And she’s a stripper.”
Wait, a dog stripper?
Not the point.
Telling the name before you’re 100% sold on the name is like asking people “Hey, I’m looking for someone to make me feel really awful about our name choice, can you please tell me some obscure reason why I shouldn’t name our baby what I want to?”
So don’t do it.  Unless it wouldn’t matter to you if your best friends uncle had a friend who went to jail for printing money from his basement with that same name.
Trying to Explain Pregnancy to a Child is Impossible.  Little S loves to bounce on my stomach when I’m not pregnant.  And he loves to run into me.  And he loves to throw things at me.  And loves for me to pick him up and twirl him around.  Trying to explain to a 16 month old that there’s a baby in mommy’s tummy and that he can’t do those things anymore, he looks more confused than the time I tried to explain how to perform brain surgery to him.  
I’ll show him the ultrasound of baby sissy and say sissy is in mommy’s tummy.  You have to be nice.  
Then he says “huh?!”
And repeat about 30 times until I give up.
Then there’s my preschool kiddos.  Who are 3, and still, telling them to be gentle and that I need extra room to get through them because of my baby belly, they look at me like I’m insane.  I’m pretty sure they just whisper to each other that I’m secretly just fat and using this as an excuse to eat candy or something.
Don’t Color or Cut Your Hair.  My mother told me this last time when I was pregnant with Little S.  Then this weekend I got my hair colored and cut.  I really needed to.  I hadn’t had my hair cut in over a year.  So I decided to cut my hair.  A fourth an inch.  Literally just a trim.  Then I got home and cried because it’s too short.  And too dark.  I wanted to look like this:
Just the color.  I wanted the same length, the same cut, the same face as myself.  Just her hair color.  
Instead I look like this:
And Big S is all like, “I love it!  You look so pretty….in a scary way!  Little S totally won’t have nightmares about you coming out of a well!”
Then I cry.
It’ll fade, right?

I won’t always scare my child, right?

14,196 Responses to “Things They Don’t Tell You About Pregnancy.”

  1. Jacqueline Mack | October 16, 2012 at 8:29 pm #

    Actually, that’s what I thought when you said your hair came out darker than it should have; it’ll bleed and fade, don’t worry (:

    Aaaand, about that baby name. When will THAT blog post come? (;